Monday, July 29, 2013

Ex-boyfriend T

In the end, it happened over the course of a few days, without any real fuss. Since boyfriend T is currently working on a project overseas, we speak on Skype the day that I get back from my holiday. He wants me to do most of the talking.

"I just don't see any future for us :-(," I say with an emotional voice and with tears in my eyes, "or have I missed something?"

"But perhaps I should visit you for a night, or perhaps you should come back to the UK for a night, so we can talk face to face?" I suggest, "Before we make this decision that's going to have such a big effect on both our lives".

"OK," replies boyfriend T after a few seconds, but it really sounds as though he doesn't care.

"I've got an idea," I say, "just in case we can find some kind of reconciliation, I think we should leave it a week before formally breaking up, but after that I think we may as well start telling people."

And so the call ends.

He says that he doesn't read this blog, but he knows that as a result of the blog I sometimes give relationship advice to other guys. I worry in case he thinks that I'll be able to solve all our problems, so three days later I send him the following email:

FYI: I feel terrible that I have been able to help some of the guys who've emailed my blog for advice, but that I haven't been able to do anything to sort out our own problems. Perhaps the reason that I was sometimes able to help other guys was that they were actively seeking advice when they emailed me, and consequently that they had an open mind to suggestions. In any case, I don't blame you for wanting to live permanently in the closet, so I hope that we can still be friends. Divorce lawyers would probably call the reason for our split Irreconcilable differences. For me, the best way of making this official is posting something on facebook. Would you be OK with me posting the following within the next few days, visible to my friends only?

Just before bedtime, I spot him on Skype, so I decide to call him.

"Did you see the email I sent," I ask, "about posting the fact that we've split up on facebook? It's based on one of the 'life events' that they make available for people's timeline."

"Can you just do a standard little post, instead?" asks boyfriend T, quietly, "for me there's too much drama associated with that big box."

"Um, OK," I answer, "And actually, I don't see any point waiting. I'll draft it now and post it shortly, this evening, unless you've got a better suggestion?"

Boyfriend T doesn't say anything.

"Thanks for all the good times over the last four years," I say, starting to cry.

"Thanks for the nice memories," he replies.

"OK, I may as well hang up now and do this."

He doesn't raise any objection, so I hang up. But a minute later, I'm just about to post the news on my facebook timeline when he calls me back on Skype.

"A few days ago," he starts, "didn't you say that it would be good to meet face to face before we break up?"

"But do you really think there's any point?" I ask, "We're both clever guys, and we've both been wrestling with everything for years now. What else can we do?"

For me, the moment that I hung up on Skype, it was all over. Everything had already been said, so many times. There were no more discussions to have. All the arguments were over.

"I don't know," replies ex-boyfriend T.

"I just thought …" but he doesn't finish his sentence.

"OK," I say in a calm voice, "I'll post the news on facebook now and get it over with. Let me know when you're going to come back to the UK so we can sort out all the practicalities."

As soon as it's posted, and for the next couple of days, I get loads of messages from friends and family offering support. But all I can do is cry for ex-boyfriend T, worry about whether he's going to be OK. The only people who know that he's gay are my friends and my family. Whatever effect our break-up is having on ex-boyfriend T, he's having to go through it all on his own.

Epilogue 20-Oct-2013: Looking back at this post, I think it's an accurate description of how myself and ex-boyfriend T finally ended our relationship. However, my main memory now is how much I cried as I was writing it. I guess that's one of the benefits of blogging. Without doubt, going through all the emotions that writing this post brought out was the start of my healing process.


Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear this. I've enjoyed your writing for a few years now and feel as though you were a good friend. You have such wonderful qualities, can't see how anyone could want to keep you in the shadows.

GB said...

Thank you so much, Anomymous, that really is a beautiful comment :-). Hope your relationships work out better than mine! GB xxx

Anonymous said...

GB, I, too, am sorry to hear about your break up with T. But it really seems like a relationship doomed from the start with his unwillingness to come out of the closet and face the world as a gay man. I think you will cope with this loss and enjoy new (or existing) relationships. T,however, will probably have major problems.
Cody in CT

GB said...

Thanks Cody in CT :-). Unfortunately you may well be right about ex-boyfriend T. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink :-(.

GB xxx

Anonymous said...

Tragic but unfortunately a reality a lot of us has to face. Despite this, if you choose to believe that someday, someone would cross your path and be with you for life, then it would happen. Call me a hopeless romantic but I firmly believe this. As they say, there are only two sacred things in the world, purpose and chance.
Thank you for sharing your most intimate experiences. It's like having a virtual friend. Hopefully we'll cross paths some day, then maybe we could exchange our life stories. Be strong. Pain makes us feel human and its grounding. It needs to rain before season turns to spring.


GVP said...

Sorry to hear the news, GB :'( It is sad that people still struggling with being gay and hiding who they really.

Stay strong.

Yellow said...

I have dated three men consecutively in the past 4 years, all very briefly for about three to four months. I discovered a pattern in my "breakups" - continuous dates, activities, getting emotionally invested (due to my affectionate character). I consistently failed to identify whether my dates were intended for a relationship or merely casual encounters. During my self-pity days, I started following Matthew Hussey, a relationship coach, and learn about how to date men. As I am reading this blog entry, I cannot help with my tears pouring down my cheeks :-(((

GB said...

Thank you for reading, @Yellow. My relationship with ex-boyfriend T lasted around 4 years, so at the time this was very hard for both of us. Luckily for me, my relationship with boyfriend K seems to be going well, so I'm hopeful that it will last.

Hope you're doing OK now, GB xxx