A contrast in lifestyles

About two weeks ago, an old friend who lives in the British countryside emails me to say that he is going to be in London the following week.

"I've been invited to the Google big tent event on Wednesday, so it would be good to catch up with you and boyfriend T next Tuesday, if possible?"

After a couple of further emails, everything is agreed. We'll put him up for a night in our spare room, and then we'll all be able to catch up over a nice dinner :-).

The evening arrives, and while we're eating dinner together, we talk about a wide range of topics. But every now and then, he keeps coming back to talk about the same subject.

"Do you use twitter at all, GB?" he asks.

"I've got an account," I reply, "but I don't use it much."

Of course, the fact is that I've got two accounts, namely my GB account and another account that's associated with the rest of my life. So far, I haven't spent much time tweeting on my GB account, and my other account has been used even less!

"Could you follow me please?" he asks.

"Of course, no problem," I answer.

"You seem quite agitated about twitter," I continue, "does twitter matter that much?"

"In my industry, people of my seniority are now often judged by how many followers they have," replies my friend, "and because I've only just got an account, I've hardly got any followers at all. I know someone who does a similar job to me who's got over 100,000 followers, but I've got less than 100 :-(."

"I heard that it's possible to buy followers," I say mischievously, "but could you live with yourself if you knew that most of your followers aren't real?"

"Quite easily," replies my friend, "but I'm just not sure how to go about it!"

The next day, I use my non-GB twitter account to follow my friend, and over the course of the day I see him tweeting frantically while he's at Google big tent. A day or two later, he sends me a txt msg:

Got 3 more followers in the last 24 hours. Lot of work for 3 bloody followers

Well indeed! But I was on my way so have dinner with My Thai friend B who I hadn't seen for ages, so I try and offer my British friend some support

Just off to see a Thai friend. If does twitter, I'll ask him to follow you!

B had spent the last six months Thailand to avoid the British winter, so I hadn't seen him for ages. Earlier that day, I had run into him by chance, and we agreed to catch up with each other over dinner in a decent restaurant.

"Wish I'd stayed in Thailand", jokes B while we're looking at the menu, "do you think it's ever going to stop raining here and warm up?"

"Of course not," I reply laughing, "you should know about the British weather after all the time you've spent here. We had a few nice days in early May, so if you've weren't here then, you've probably missed the summer!"

We continue chatting, and B seems very relaxed and happy.

"How is your business back in Thailand doing these days," I ask.

"Everything is fine," he replies, "I'm employing 6 people now, including the manager who you met the last time you visited. They take care of most of it."

B had set up his own business in Thailand a few years previously, simply following his heart and his interest in Thai culture. And now, the business mostly seems to run itself, providing him with a reasonable income.

"Actually someone offered to buy it recently," B tells me, "and it was a decent offer. I might sell it, but I've asked for 50% more money, just to see what happens :-)".

"Incidentally," I ask, changing the subject, "do you use twitter at all?"

"No," replies B casually, "I don't need twitter :-)"

"Don't worry, it's just that a British friend of mine is desperate for more followers."

Suddenly, the contrast between B and my British friend seems quite stark. On the one hand B is very relaxed and happy, simply following his heart, and very much Living in the Now as all good Buddhists do. But my British friend, who's a few years older, doesn't seem relaxed or happy at all and instead finds himself fretting about not having enough followers on Twitter.

Later I send a txt msg to my British friend to tell him that unfortunately, my Thai friend B doesn't use Twitter. Within a few minutes I get his reply

Bloody hell, what do I have to do, offer blow jobs?

When I read this, I find myself laughing loudly. It occurs to me that the type of submissive gay guys who are likely to do what they're told and follow someone on twitter are more likely to want to give blow jobs than receive them!

Email from a Jewish guy who doesn't want to be gay

Just before Christmas last year, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I've inadvertently come across your blog only yesterday, whilst looking for my regular porn site. I have been glued to your stories and to reading all of the emails people have sent to you in search of, well, assurance?

I am a 23 yr old student from a Jewish family. I've been searching for accounts of people in a similar situation, in a dilemma of the conscience. The first time I remember being interested in homosexuality was at the age of 13, looking for things that would indulge my newfound interest via the internet. Youtube and video streaming websites didn't exist at the time, I was addicted to viewing the 'free tours' of porn sites until I got closer to the action with the advent of file sharing software.

After five years of self-gratification, I was on breaking point and the hormones were driving me insane until I satisfied my developed desire to have sex with a man. During my gap year before uni, I came across a cruising website (men4sex) and felt one step closer to making my fantasies a reality. I experienced the typical tease that is online gay dating sites until this one guy from Australia living in London was keen to meet up. I was 18; he was 27. Porn had built up my expectations so high it was unreal. We met at Hammersmith, he had dreadlocks and a bit of a beer belly but I made it this far I was willing to overlook it. We sat for a pint. I was so excited this was actually happening. I suggested we head back to his only to find that we couldn't as his flatmate was in. I didn't understand why he agreed to this meet up and where he expected things to happen. He suggested taking a walk in the park. I thought "sex in the park? In the middle of the day? No way". Of course my balls were still holding the reigns here, so off we went. We walked into a wooded area. I thought "at least he might have a big package". Nope, although I felt better about the size of mine. I thought "at least I can experience being inside another guy". Nope, he wasn't into that, and I don't have to describe the rest. I lost my virginity, I think, I get confused about what counts as losing it as I didn't do the penetrating and I'm not sure if it only really applies to heterosexual sex.

I've never had any girlfriends; I asked out two different girls in high school, unsuccessfully (the next guys they dated are their current boyfriends, 7 years on). I've made out with a few girls, drunk on all occasions. I'm happy with my appearance, dare I say I think I'm a good-looking guy. But I've always felt that there has been a drive missing in my mentality, compared to other guys. The drive that will make you follow an attractive girl anywhere. The drive that will make you behave in ways girls say they hate, and never admit they like (most of the time).

The gay meet-up sites have come and gone. I join out of desperation, and leave once I get what I was hungry for, ashamed and assured it's not too late to turn things around. I have, however, made a couple of good discreet friends through these sites. I met them on the premise of sex but I never did anything with them other than go out for a drink and talk. The talking helped as I didn't talk about it with anyone, it's not good to let it dwell in the mind without an objective view on your thoughts, how do you know what is right and what is wrong?

I should mention that as a fresher at uni, I was ready to 'get it out of my system' and meet with guys at my freedom, now that I was over 100 miles away from home. Unfortunately, I got carried away and before I knew it, I slept with ten different guys in the first term alone. Including an international postgrad student in my halls from Cyprus that was as horny as I was, meeting on a weekly basis. Of course this was all done behind the backs of my new-found friends. I decided to volunteer to answer calls on a nightline service for students to talk about their concerns anonymously over the phone. One of the people I befriended in this organisation, who was gay, asked me if I was via facebook as his friend (J) claimed to have seen my profile (fitlads.net).

Two months down the line and the summer holiday came, and J convinced me coming out to my parents was the right thing to do. My gut said it was not a good time and I shouldn't but J was very reassuring, although looking back, I'm not sure if I should have taken counselling advice from someone a year younger than me. Come August that year, I came out. Pretty much the worst time of my life, borderline suicidal. I said it with a strong disposition, no tears from me. Tears from my parents and brother, yes. Hugs? No. I felt like the lowest piece of dirt ever. Like all my accomplishments in life were burnt to ashes in that instant. I felt like I was compared to a murderer, my parents appeared to be grieving for the ideal son I just killed. Of course, I stayed calm and let them express their emotions. Although any attempts to express how I felt were made irrelevant, that I had no right to and if I did it only made things worse. So I shut them down, and tried to zip up this bag that was bursting at the seams. Things went back to normal; my mum became a little spiritual about it, not in a good way. I didn't want to be gay as much as they didn't, I mean I didn't even think about what life would be like if I stayed out of the closet? What about the extended family? What about the friends that have been led to believe I was exclusively straight for as long as they've known me?

I've spent a lot of time studying the mind, I'm a man of fact, looking for the science behind sexual attraction. I know this is an attempt to justify my attraction towards men. It lies in my bones, circulates in my blood. I feel like I'm trying to force a river to flow up a mountain. I'm Jewish, there's a big emphasis on family life. If you're not hearing about someone's kid, it's about someone's marriage. It's inescapable.

To cut the long story short, I have been suppressing my homosexuality for the sake of peace in the family and thereby my own sanity. I don't want to be gay and I know a lot of people are in the same boat. I just can't actualise the idea of being in a relationship with a man and having a normal life. It probably seems crazy to the outside world considering my history but I'm still holding out for a girl I really connect to, despite my fears of sexual performance with women. I'm holding it in pretty well but it could explode someday. It's really made me question the purpose of one's life, where happiness is found and the weaknesses and strengths in human nature.

Yours Truly

I thought it was a very well written email, from a guy who was clearly in some distress about his sexuality. Within a day I'd sent him a reply which included the following paragraph:

I think you're through the hardest parts, namely recognising that you have feelings for other men, doing something about it, and then eventually coming out to your family too. However, I don't think your path to happiness lies in suppressing your gayness. This is just my opinion, and not based on any proper research, but I think that it's far more likely that one day you could have a relationship with a woman and a family etc if for now you fully embrace the fact that you're gay, live a gay life with a long-term boyfriend etc, and get it out of your system. I've been gay for over 20 years, and I now feel that although I'm gay and I love my boyfriend, if something ever happened to him then it might be interesting to try a relationship with a woman. It's kind of "been there, done that, I've still got a lot of life in me so what next". But please note, I can only see that approach working for guys who're 100% comfortable in their gay skin, and suppressing it is going in the opposite direction.

Looking back on that paragraph now, I'm not sure it was a good idea to say those things, because it does suggest that one day he could have a relationship with a woman. I think I wrote it because I'd just received the email from the married guy with some gay characteristics, and I was wondering whether I'd be able to cope in a relationship with a woman. At this stage in my life, it might be possible if the woman in question wanted companionship rather than a sexual relationship. However, now that I've studied his email in detail, by far the most likely situation is that he's 110% gay and hence needs to find a way to cope with that fact.

I don't know whether the reader has any family connections in the Jewish state of Israel, but a little bit of google research reveals that Israel has very advanced gay rights :-). They've got gays in the military, partnership rights, employment rights, and I *think* they got these rights before we got them in the UK! So if the biggest Jewish community in the world officially accepts gay people, why do so many gay Jewish guys like this reader and his family feel so bad about him being gay?

The answer is the same in many cultures across the world. The initial problem for the family is that they probably don't know any gay people, so one problem is fear of the unknown. But the reader is still their son and their brother who they know well, so that's not really the problem because it can be overcome quite quickly. The real problem is that families worry about what other people will think if they find out that a member of their family is gay. So laws granting gay rights are fine, after all, it's just common sense that what goes on between consenting adults in private doesn't affect anyone except the people involved. But everyone thinks "… but of course, no one is gay in my family"!

My best guess is that if the reader follows his current path and tries to hold in his gay sexuality, then not only is he doomed to lead a tormented and unhappy life, but the unhappiness will hang over his family as well. Everyone will be miserable, because the unspoken truth will always be hanging around and lurking in the background :-(. He could force himself into marriage, but I really don't see it working long term. But more than that, it wouldn't be fair to the woman that he marries, and her family. Experience shows that one can't keep these secrets forever, and that unfulfilled gay urges just don't go away. In the unlikely scenario that the reader does find himself in a relationship with a woman, my strong advice would be to tell her about his gay past. Honesty is a vital component in any relationship, so trying to pursue a relationship with a woman without being honest about this would be a terrible start.

In fact, I do know some happy and well-adjusted gay Jewish guys :-). However, one of my oldest friends from school is Jewish, but he's quite a tortured soul. As far as I know, he never had a girlfriend until he was in his 40's. I've always thought that he might have been gay, but if so he has always avoided the issue and was finally able to force himself into straight relationships, none of which seem to have worked. Hopefully this reader will find a way of avoiding that path.

So how can the reader become a happy and well-adjusted gay guy? Firstly, just because the reader is gay, it doesn't stop him being a good son and a good member of his family in many ways. From the emails that I exchanged with this reader, I know that he should be able to get himself a good job, so he should soon be able to support himself financially. The good thing about that is that the family don't then need to support him, and can look forward to his support if he makes a success of his career. He can certainly stay in touch with his family with either regular visits or phone calls if he's too far away to visit. He can make sure that he always visits for special occasions such as family birthdays or religious festivals (if the Jewish religious occasions are important to his family). He can be a good uncle to any children that his brothers and sisters may have. And he can try and make sure that his boyfriend is the kind of guy that his mother would approve of, if she was trying to find a husband for a daughter :-).

Six years ago, I wrote a post called The confidence mirror. The basic idea is that if you project confidence about something (such as being gay, although it could be anything) then that confidence is infectious and biases people in your favour. This is a vital concept to understand when coming out to people, especially because the opposite is also true. If you come out to someone and you're not 100% happy about being gay, then the person that you're coming out to is likely to pick up on that and think something like "Oh dear, this person is telling me that he's ill, how terrible". I think the reader needs to teach his family about this, and especially to teach this to his mother, because all the Jewish families that I know are quite matriarchal.

I'm sure his mother's biggest fear is "What on earth will I say when Auntie X asks me why my son isn't married yet?", or "How can I cope if Mrs Y asks why she's never seen my son with a girlfriend?" And if his mother is thinking that having a gay son is a terrible secret, she won't have good answers to these kinds of questions, and the people that she's talking to will eventually pick up on this. However, if the reader is able to be a good gay son like I described above, then his mother will be able to respond with confidence with something like "Oh I don't know, but I don't worry about him because he's such a good son to me. He phones me every weekend without fail, and always remembers my birthday :-). I'm sure he'll sort himself out eventually". The fact is that if the family is happy and projects confidence about the future of the reader, than it's no one else's business and people won't pursue the matter.

If the reader hadn't come out to his family, then both he and his family would be in a worse position. When gay people fear coming out to their family they tend to distance themselves and avoid regular contact, and then with little information the parents can worry about what the situation is. As long as the family don't know the truth, those kinds of gay guys are unable be good gay sons in the way that I described above. The good thing about coming out is that once the initial shock is over, the family should eventually end up closer and stronger.

Apart from reassuring his family that he's still going to be a good son, and teaching them about the confidence mirror (and everything else in this post), what else should he do? Well, there's little doubt in my mind that he should try and find himself a nice boyfriend as soon as possible. There is a very small possibility that the reader may be like the married guy with some gay characteristics, but until he finds himself a boyfriend and gives it a go then he won't know. A key question is, do his parents want him to be happy? If so, then they need to realise that the route to happiness for a family oriented gay guy is to find a long term partner.

I'm not sure what kind of guys he's attracted to, but without doubt, there's a wonderful guy somewhere out there who'll be a great boyfriend for him. It's not so many years ago that it was hard for gay finds to find partners, both because it was hard for gay guys to find each other, and also because the social and legal climate was so hostile. Whenever I think about that, I realise how lucky we all are today. For many years I had a really great relationship with ex-boyfriend S, and now things seem to be going well with boyfriend T. I love sharing my life my boyfriend, sharing my triumphs and failures with him, and sharing his triumphs and failures with him too. I love waking up in bed with him, cuddling him on lazy weekend mornings, and of course all the other activities that gay guys do :-). If I hadn't lived my life like this, then apart from being unhappy I'd probably have been a much less productive member of society. If the reader can get over these issues with his family, then I'm sure that he'll be able to live a happy and productive life as well.

Do any other readers have any thought on this?

Emails from a married guy with some gay characteristics.

About three month ago, I got a fascinating email from a new reader. The reader is successfully married with children, but he has some gay characteristics. He sent me the email because he was interested to ask for my opinion on his sexual orientation. However, apart from saying that human sexuality is a very complicated and fascinating subject, I wasn't sure what else to say! So I agreed with him that I'd post the entire email conversation, so that everyone can read it and give their own views :-). The first email that I got from him was as follows:

Hi GB,

Just discovered your blog by coincidence, started reading some of the posts and I found it interesting reading. I'm not writing you to seek advice but to know your opinion on some aspects of the 'sexual orientation' issue:

First, some information about me: I'm 45, married with children, partner in a law firm. I look straight, I act straight, I feel straight, I am straight. But I have a side order: Sometimes I feel sexually attracted to men. I have gay j/o fantasies, I have gay fetishes (suits, lycra, sports gear etc.), I get aroused when I see a bodybuilding competition or if I happen to shower next to a built man after swimming. Technically you'd probably call me bi, although I don't feel 'bi'. I feel straight plus some percentage gay. (I don't like labels any way). In younger years I was worried about my sexual identity. Was I gay? I didn't want to. Why was I different from what the other guys appeared to me? etc. Much the same as that young French whose e-mail you answered on your blog lately. I was not so much concerned about the others could/would think about me than about my inner balance. Then, at about 24, I met a handsome, intelligent guy, he turned out to be gay and I thought that was my opportunity to find out about me. I went for him and we were together for some 6 months. But I found out that, actually, I wasn't gay at all. And that after I had told my family I had a male lover - what a bloody fiasco! As much as I liked the sex (and still do) I realised I could never think or feel about that guy or any other man more as of a friend. So I terminated the experiment - trying to hurt as little as possible - and returned to make the female world happy again. I got married and fathered children. And luckily my family forgot about my coming out ... The most obvious effects of that experience were, however, that I gained that sexual confidence I was lacking before and that I lost my previously homophobic attitude. My side-order remained unchanged, but I accepted it as given and didn't question it any more. And I care a damn if I fit in a category or not.

To the point: Over the years I realised that there are many straight men with similar 'extras' as me, and that the pattern repeats itself on the other end: There are many gay men with 'extras' to the straight side. Despite that reality of the male nature - I suspect it's a majority of all men - the shades between the poles, the greys between black and white, are largely ignored till openly rejected - on both ends. E.g. I've experienced so called 'open minded' gay men telling me after hearing my story I should seek psychiatric advice. Why is it, do you think, everyone is so desperate to stick labels to everyone else's sexual orientation: Gay, straight, bi, curious (of which the latter two are considered inferior because understood as 'gay but too coward to come out')? This also striked me on your blog. Why is it, the participants in the 'social game' themselves care so much to divide the world in a straight, i.e. we're the normal, side and a gay, i.e. we're even more normal than the straights, side. Why does sexual orientation matter so much anyway? Aren't many of the apparent problems of sexual orientation something completely different? E.g. isn't it much more likely that young French Londoner didn't feel his drinking mates were dull because they were straight but because they were less intelligent or less creative or less ambitious as him? Why on earth should dullness be a question of sexual orientation?

It's Friday afternoon and I'm tired of working and let my thoughts flow. Would be interesting to know your opinion some time, given you seem an intelligent guy and an expert in these matters.

Best

When I first read the email, I wasn't sure what he meant by "… I found out that, actually, I wasn't gay at all". I wondered what happened to make him "find out", and whether it was just that he wasn't prepared to live his life as an openly gay man. So I replied with the following email:

That's a fascinating story :-) . I agree with you that labels like gay or straight can be pretty useless in some situations. Even though you're "straight", the fact that you have an interest in sex between men is obviously a "gay" characteristic. And in fact my boyfriend had 'extras' on the "straight" side, because he sometimes gets turned on by big breasts!

I also agree with you that if one is prepared to label oneself gay, like I do, then it's about much more than the sex. I'd love to know what made you decide that you're straight, after you'd had a male lover for 6 months, and even though you like sex between men? I could tell you what all the extra things beyond the sex are that make me think I'm gay, but I don't want to prejudice your answer.

Hope to hear from you soon, GB xxx

Within a couple of days, he sent me the following reply

Btw: I'm not a native speaker, so my English is sometimes faulty.

As said, I liked the gay sex physically. But emotionally I couldn't really cope with it. The longer the less. I felt more and more like my inside would get turned outside. And started to feel really depressed.

I truly liked and appreciated the guy - still do - but it became very clear to me I would never be capable to feel more for him than friendship, to regard him as my partner. On the contrary, the prospective that I would have to lead a gay life for the rest of my days scared the hell out of me.

Sexually, the episode had been very rewarding. However, on other levels my personality was kind of violated, it was not me. I also realised it was impossible for me to live both sides, the straight as well as the gay, it would have torn me apart. So I felt very much relieved as soon as I had come to terms and decided to stick 'to the old ways'.

I must be boring you by now, so I stop here. Curious to know why you chose to label yourself gay. Wasn't it always clear for you which way you'd have to take?

Best

And then, before I could reply, he'd sent me another email:

Hi GB

Just reread my two previous replies and would like to add the following:

It is true that I have grown up traditionally, i.e. with conservative family values etc. and being gay would not necessarily have been part of the concept. However, it would not have been a disaster either. As I told you, I had come out to my family, back then I felt I had to, and the reaction was sort of "Ok, so be it, if you say it needs to be". Later on in life I stopped telling my parents about my sexual adventures, but as the time went by they forgot about my coming out. At some point I mentioned it again but they didn't remember. Also, while I was together with this guy I didn't mind going out with him publicly or meeting friends or so, though I didn't "officially" come out at work or to a wider circle of friends. That's probably because as a character I don't so much mind what others say and think as long as I am comfortable with what I feel and do.

I tell this because it was not convention that made me choose the label "straight". Although, of course, in many ways it was the easier choice. But had the label "gay" fitted better, I don't think I would have hesitated to walk down that road.

So, it turns out that apparently I have all the same been born straight and despite that 'misweave' I couldn't choose differently. Remains the question - which I have not yet fully answered to this day (and which maybe needs not to be answered), what exactly is that 'misweave'? I don't know, maybe you can tell me?

Best

To answer the reader's question about why I'm happy to label myself gay, it's not only because I enjoy gay sex. While I was growing up, before I even knew what sex was, I always wanted closer friendships with my male friends. And then when I was older and started to understand what being gay meant, although I didn't want to be gay the reality was that I was always craving emotional intimacy (as well as sexual intimacy) with other guys. So perhaps the differences between me and this (mostly) straight reader are that (1) he didn't have the need for emotional intimacy with another man, and (2) he enjoys straight sex as well as gay sex?

Anyway, do any other readers have any thoughts on this reader's story?

Flight

Last week, I went to see the film Flight with boyfriend T. We’d seen a trailer for it a week or two previously, and when we found ourselves at a loose end one evening, we thought it would be work a look. It was a good film, however it turned out that the main plot wasn’t about what we thought it was going to be about.

*** plot spoiler follows! ***

As we’d expected from the trailer, one of the main events in the film is a plane crash that occurs near the start of the film. The pilot Whip Whitaker, played by Denzel Washington, makes some extraordinary decisions and saves the lives of most of the passengers and crew. Notionally the film then focuses on what happened in the weeks following the plane crash. However the real subject of the film is alcohol addiction, because it turns out that Whip Whitaker is an alcoholic. Although he did indeed save all those people's lives when the plane failed through no apparent fault of his own, he was in fact drunk at the time! After denying his addiction in so many ways, the climax of the film occurs when Whip Whitaker finally admits to himself and the world that he's an alcoholic during the public hearing into the causes of the plane crash.

"I don't think I ever want to drink again!" I say to boyfriend T on our way home after the film.

"But you're not an alcoholic, are you?" asks boyfriend T.

"No, but sometimes I worry about myself. Sometimes I do like one or two glasses of wine too much."

"Do you ever drink by yourself?"

"Hardly ever," I reply, "but sometimes when you're away, I see a nice bottle of wine in our kitchen cupboard. If I haven't had a drink in a couple of days I can find it hard to resist :-|."

"Hmmm," says boyfriend T thoughtfully, "then perhaps you're at risk, although it doesn't sound too serious at the moment."

I make a mental note to avoid drinking alone at all costs, but then something else occurs to me.

"Actually, that scene at the end where Whip Whitaker finally admits that he's an alcoholic made me think about you."

"How come?" asks boyfriend T.

"You still deny that you're gay to almost everyone that you know, and just like Whip Whitaker, you're determined to keep it a secret forever."

"I've told you before," replies boyfriend T with an irritated tone in his voice, "I'm never going to come out to anyone!"

"Exactly. It's the same kind of attitude as Whip saying to himself that he's not going to admit his alcoholism to anyone. Of course, being gay isn't an addiction, but at some point in your life you're going to have to come to terms with this."

Boyfriend T doesn't reply, which doesn't surprise me because there's nothing more to say on the subject. However, I often worry about his attitude to coming out, because it seems implausible that this secrecy can last forever. It seems to me that at some point he's going to have to choose between living a more openly gay life as my partner, or ending our relationship and going back even further into the closet. If that day does finally come along, I hope that he chooses me.

Email from a guy who doesn't want to come out to his father

Last month, about a week before Christmas, a reader sent me the following email:

Dear GB,

I occasionally visit your blog and like the topics that come up. I would like to share my situation with you.

I came to the UK 5 years ago for uni and have been in living in London for the last two (I am originally from a Mediterranean country). I went to top unis here and consider myself quite bright.

I come from quite a wealthy family (both from my father’s and mother’s side) and have had a very comfortable upbringing (international schools, big houses, yachts) that makes it very difficult for me to relate to 99% of people in my home country. I am an only child and I came out to my mother a few months ago, as I couldn’t bear keeping it a secret any longer. It was an awful experience. She labeled me as selfish, delusional, and pretentious and basically thinks I am a mess who is out of control. She moreover told me that there is no such thing as being gay and that it is a sign of weakness. She added that my father would kill himself if he found out. She urged me to try sleeping with a woman and I urged her to seek professional help (she was in bed with whiskey for two days afterwards claiming she had the flu – my father didn’t notice anything). I tried to be very strong and rational during this process, as I knew she was just going through a rough period of absorbing all of this in. I feel sorry for her because she basically comes from a family of loonies, her husband is a workaholic and her mother is quite old and ill.

Subsequently, she told me that she went to a sexologist and that he told her there is no such thing as being gay and that it is all “one big propaganda”. Obviously I knew she was lying and confronted her about it. Ever since March we haven’t discussed it and our relationship is fine though she occasionally complains that I am emotionally distant.

Both my parents are conservative yet they have had very international experiences and have lived in many countries. My father basically started from nothing and is an extremely dedicated, respected and hard working family man. I cannot get over my mother’s words and I do not want to let him down by telling him I am gay as I think it would ruin him – he loves me very much and his family is his life. Although not overtly homophobic, he has expressed his disapproval in the past (although he is vehemently anti-racist so this is beyond me). However, I also don’t want to lead a double life.

I am writing to you because I feel like I am in a helpless, hopeless situation. I am trying to find a job in London but my parents do not seem to be pressuring me and are quite keen for me to return home and start working in the family businesses. Although semi-ambitious, I do not possess the same drive for success as other applicants and do not feel like I would succeed in the business world – especially when compared to my father’s accomplishments. I really like London though and want to stay here.

I am also experiencing a host of feelings of inadequacies. I feel trapped in a social bubble where all I do is party (lots of alcohol and quite a bit of cocaine) and have no purpose to society. My lifestyle is entirely out of touch with those of most people and this leads me to having bouts of guilt and anxiety every now and then. I have real friends but this is causing problems in my gay relationships as I find it hard to find someone who I can relate to and who will accept me. I am completely out to all my friends and am very confident socially and have been told I am very good-looking.

Any thoughts on what I should do to improve my situation and get on with a more creative, fulfilling life?

Thanks,

Judging from the email, reading about the reader's mother, he clearly comes from quite an interesting family! After I'd thought about it for a while, I sent a reply which contained the following paragraphs:

My gut instinct is that you need to come out to your father as soon as possible. Your mother is clearly quite a controlling woman, and for some reason she's trying to stop you from coming out to him. You feel sure that she's lied to you about the sexologist saying that gay is "one big propaganda", so I don't think you can trust her at all in this matter. Perhaps she feels that your sexuality is all her fault, and hence is trying to hide it.

I think the case for coming out to your father is strong. He's clearly an exceptionally impressive guy, so give him the credit that he deserves. Men who build businesses from nothing are incredible guys and very robust. My father also told me when I was about 19 that he disapproves of homosexuals, and as a result it took me about 10 years more to come out to him. Looking back, I think he was just trying to avoid what he knew was the truth. I'm not saying that the same is true of your father, but I would say that someone like your father deserves to know the truth.

I don't know what you feel about having a family one day, but it is possible for gay guys these days, particularly rich ones e.g. Elton John! Since you're quite young, it's far too early to start thinking about that. However, it may well be worth pointing out to your family that these days being gay is no obstacle to being a father.

At present, there's a terrible rift in your family, because your mother knows what she feels is a ghastly secret. Of course it's not ghastly, it's exactly what those Stonewall adverts say on the side of London buses, "Some people are gay, get over it"! In my case, it was only once the whole family knew that I was gay that the healing process for the family as a whole began. Before I came out, I was very distant and lots of things were problematic for everyone, but now we're a very close loving family again. So after the initial shock, I think that coming out to your father may also be good for your mother.

You're not sure what the right direction is for your life. One thing is for sure, namely that you can't go into the family business while there's this secret about you being gay in the family. However, once you've come out to everyone, once the air has been cleared and a bit of time has passed, only then can you think about whether it makes sense to go into the family business or not. If you explain all this to your father then I'd expect it will make perfect sense to him, and hopefully he'll respect you for telling him the truth.

I know that is a very big decision, so please be careful. As I said above, this is just my gut instinct, and there may be lots of reasons why I'm wrong. After all, it's always impossible to explain everything to a stranger like me in a short email.

To my surprise, the reader responded within half an hour:

Thanks for replying so quickly.

I think you are correct that ultimately coming out to my father will be the best outcome for everyone. However, just as in your case I think it will have to wait till things are a bit more "stable" i.e. I have proven myself capable of holding a good job and leading a settled lifestyle as this will give both my parents more confidence in my choices.

The problem with this, I suspect, is that they may interpret it as me "cutting them off" by doing my own thing and not giving a shit about them and "denying fundamental family values". Hopefully with time they will realise it will actually strengthen our relationship/bond but it will take a lot of patience and effort with them on my part. I think it's also a case of them having difficulty with the fact that I am now an adult who wants/needs to build a life for himself in a foreign country (this connects with the importance of family values in Mediterranean cultures).

I am hoping that in the meantime my mother will warm up to the idea and become stronger by finding other interests other than her only son's life.

Have a good holiday and thanks a lot again!

Reading his reply, I couldn't help myself from thinking that the reader was making excuses to avoid the main issue, namely the problem of coming out to his father. As far as I know, professional therapists usually avoid giving direct advice about what course of action their clients should follow, and instead simply work to try and help them solve their problems on their own. However, I'm a banker rather than a professional therapist, so I couldn't help myself from sending him the following reply which again suggests immediate action on the main issue:

Actually I didn't delay coming out to my father for reasons of waiting for stability. I delayed because for a long time, I tried to pretend to myself that I was straight! I came out to my parents separately, just like you, but I didn't leave it more than about 6 months between the two.

When you come out to someone, you can never know what they're thinking. In my case, quite a few years after I came out to my father, my mother confirmed to me that my father had had a gay relationship himself when he was younger. So his anti-homosexual stance was probably because he hated those feelings in himself. But in another case, I know of a guy who doesn't like gay men because his brother died of Aids that he got from a blood transfusion in the late 1980's. In the 1980's, Aids was very much "the gay disease", and blood wasn't properly screened. If your father really doesn't like gay people, it could simply be because he's known a few gay people who weren't nice to him.

Anyway, my gut instinct is still that you need to come out to your father as soon as possible. The longer you delay, the longer it will take the healing process in your family to start, and the longer it will be that your mother has to keep that secret. I thought that in the process of coming out to your mother you showed great strength of character, and were able to see through her ploys and stand firm. Between us, we must have come up with at least half a dozen good reasons to come out to your father. When do you come out to him, since he's businessman I suggest you give him all the reasons, such as
(1) you respect him a lot, so he deserves to know the truth
(2) you came out to your mother a few months ago, and you don't want her to live any longer with the secret
(3) experience of other gay men shows that the longer you leave it, the further you drift apart from your family, and you don't want that to happen because you value your family enormously
(4) experience of other gay men also shows that once the family know the truth, the family tends to gets closer, and you want this to happen with your family as soon as possible
(5) you can feel within yourself that can't be objective about what you want to do with your life while your family doesn't know who you really are
(6) you even can't think about coming back to work in the family business while this secret is hidden
etc
Note that a lot of those reasons relate to family values. Also, hopefully your father will end up respecting you for your honesty. Do you think you can do it over the Christmas season?

Anyway, good luck, GB xxx

I haven't heard from this reader since I sent that email, so I'm not sure what his situation is now. But does anyone think that I was too direct in my advice that he should come out to his father as soon as possible? Or does anyone else have any thoughts on this reader's situation?